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A Memory

When my brother was in the hospital many years ago for surgery, I stayed there for a few nights. This was probably seven or eight years ago, so it’s not the most vivid memory I have. But I do remember some things pretty well. I remember sleeping on the floor, under a coffee table. I remember eating the crappy hospital food. But the most vivid memory I have is meeting and befriending this kid who came in with internal bleeding.

We hung out around the hospital and played video games. He had a PS2 in his room. He was a few years older than me, but he was really nice. He’d been there for well over a month. If I remember correctly, he told me he’d fallen off monkey bars at a playground, was told that he was fine by the school nurse, and then ended up in the hospital. He said he’d probably be there for a few more weeks. I really never knew what was wrong with him, aside from the internal bleeding, of course, but now I realize it was probably more complex than that given the length of his stay at the hospital. But at the time, I was too young to understand that.

After my brother got out of the hospital, I never saw or heard from the kid again. I don’t even remember his name. I haven’t thought about him for years. And suddenly, I have all these memories from years ago rushing to the surface— all because of a couple of tweets.

Human memory is a strange thing.

  • 4 months ago
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2012

“Obviously I have many things I hope that I’ll achieve in 2012, and I think I can achieve those goals, but in the end I have no idea what’s going to happen. But I do know this: I am going to come out of it a completely different person, the same way I came of 2011. I don’t know what will change exactly, but many things will. Here’s to 2012, a year of promise, hope, and, of course, change. I know it’ll be a good one.”

That’s what I wrote at the end of my “2011” post last year. Well, I was right— 2012 has changed me. I feel like a completely different Sam than the one who sat down to write this post just 12 months ago. 

While the journey hasn’t always been pleasant or easy (I hope I don’t sound melodramatic when I say that), it has been all for the best. I started listening to lots of electronic music more this year— Neon Indian, Justice, Sebastian, etc. I started to care more about how I dressed. I’m more comfortable being myself. More confident.

But the process of growing up is not complete yet, obviously. Hopefully, it never does stop. I would like to keep progressing and gaining experience throughout my entire life. Maturity is all about finding out who you are, what you like, and what you believe. But one often-overlooked part of it is that you don’t necessarily set those things in stone. You keep an open mind to new things, new experiences, new people.  If you’re not doing that, you really can’t call yourself an adult.

Continuing a tradition I started last year, I’m now going to thank some people. I have definitely forgotten some people— if you haven’t been mentioned and feel that you should have been, well then I’m sorry. But anyway, here’s my list of people who have done a lot to shape my year. They’re all good people and great friends— the best friends I could ever ask for. I love you guys. 

Mom and Dad I really don’t say this enough, but I love you guys. I really do. You’ve done a fantastic job raising me. I would be nothing without you two, both literally and figuratively. Thanks for everything, you’re both great people and fantastic parents. 

Joe (My Brother) Thanks for the words of wisdom, the discussions, and, well, tolerating me. Oh, and you still have good taste in music, but I still think mine is better. Oh, and thanks for the best birthday present ever.

Gabrielle It’s funny— you’re only six months older than I am, but I always feel like you’ve got several years on me. Maybe it’s because you’ve been through way more than I have in your lifetime, but it always feels like you have more experience and more wisdom than I do. You’re one of the most mature teenagers I know. Maybe that’s why you’re so good at giving me advice and handling my stupid shit. You’re calm, collected, and self-confident. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. You’re my big sister, for now and forever.

Sam You’re a fantastic human being. I know I’ve said this before, but over the past few years you’ve done more growing up then many people do in their entire lives. Thanks for always being there for me, and everyone else for that matter. You’re one of the most compassionate, thoughtful people I’ve ever met. Maybe I can be as good as you one day. Oh, and by the way, it’s “Blah-wan,” not “Blay-wan.”

Emily Hey, remember when I was a dick to you and we hated each-other back in Freshman year? Yeah, that was stupid. Really stupid. But now, you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. You’re honest, you’re smart, and you’ve got a sense of humor that is (somehow) even more depraved and offensive than I do! You’re a great person. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Avery Penn I sometimes say that you’re my internet brother. It’s pretty true. You’ve gotten me out of so many jams and stupid situations— we’re a good team. You’re also one of the best writers I know. So yeah. Thanks for being awesome, thanks for the long chats, and, most importantly, the dick jokes. You’re more awesome than you even know.

Kaci Myers Kaci, Kaci, Kaci. I’m so glad I met you. You’ve given me an insane amount of advice— you’re really smart, and very helpful when I’m worrying and over-thinking trivial things. You’re always willing to lend a hand, and I really appreciate that. But you’re also silly as hell—you’re just a fun person in general. It’s a blast talking to you, whether it’s about high school bullshit, dirty jokes, or the wonders of majestic and adorable cats.

Theo It’s kind of funny. I’ve known you since seventh grade, but for some reason, we never really became close friends until this school year. I’m not sure why it took so long, but I’m really glad we got to really know each-other this year. You’re an amazing person— you’re smart, talented, funny, and you’re a really great friend. Oh, and you appreciate Eyedea even more than me. That’s just amazing.

Sarah You’re one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. You have an amazing appreciation of poetry, music, and art in general. I never thought I’d spend an entire lab period talking to a teacher about how much we both love Atmosphere and Eyedea. I’m very lucky to have you as my teacher. You rock.

Ian Dude, you’re awesome. You’re smart as hell, you accept mind my weirdness, and you know music even better than I do. You’re a great guy, and a great friend. I’m glad I met you this year. Keep being awesome. 

Colby Ludwig You’ve introduced me to some amazing music— you’e changed my taste in music for the better, and introduced me to the wonders of Neon Indian, Washed Out, and Justice. Oh, and you’re also a great, understanding friend, and a brilliant designer/ coder.

Regina I’ve known you for at least a year at this point, and you’re still one of the best people to talk to on the internet. You rock. 

Ashley Esqueda Hello there, my internet fairy godmother. I’m glad I got to finally meet you in person this summer!

Erik Schmidt You got me through a lot this year. You were always great with advice, and I appreciated everything you did for me. Thanks man, you rock.

Kitty Kitty, you’re still one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I’ll say it again— you’ve taught me more than you’ll ever realize. Keep on being awesome. Let’s be friends forever.

Mike’s Cafe All of you guys— Sam, Gabrielle, Eliot, Drew— you’re all amazing and fun people.

Team Blue Sun Avery, Brian, Tom1, Tom2, Cleggy, Colby, all you guys— you’re awesome. You’re a talented team and it’s a pleasure to work with you all.

All My Twitter Friends There are too many of you to list, but you know that I love you all.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I have no clue what 2013 has in store for me. All I can hope for is that I continue to grow and mature. It won’t all be pleasant, but growing up typically isn’t. The result makes it all worth it, though.  Here’s to a kick-ass new year. 

  • 4 months ago
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Jezebel Did My Work For Me

So I was all set to write an angry post about Daniel Tosh— not just the fact that he is a piece of shit, but to explain why. Because I felt like many people were getting angry about the wrong things. Well, Lindy West of Jezebel wrote exactly what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t figure out how to put together. And her piece was far more coherent, organized, and well-written than the jumbled mess of profanity I had so far. So, go check out Lindy West’s article. Because seriously, she nailed it.

Credit to @ScarletRegina for tweeting about this article. I wouldn’t have seen it otherwise.

  • 10 months ago
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It’s always amazing me how people who suffer can be so dismissive of the suffering of others.
@ScarletRegina
  • 1 year ago
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2011

2011 was one hell of a year. Not just for me, but for the whole world in general. We had the revolutions of the Arab Spring, the death of Steve Jobs, earthquakes in Japan, the death of Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist attacks in Norway, the European debt crisis, and much more. But I’m not here to focus on the world— sorry. As selfish as it sounds, I’m here to focus on me. 

2011 was also a year of “firsts” for me. I had my first major death in the family- my grandfather. I asked a girl out for the first time— no, I’m not giving her name. I had an idol die for the first time— that idol being Steve Jobs. I started my first blog, which you’re reading right now. But really, those are the big, dramatic events that stick out. Those are always the most memorable things. But it’s the little things that make up life. And lot of little things changed for me. I started to care a bit about how I present myself. I became more socially outgoing, more willing to be myself. I became more comfortable with who I am as a person. If I met myself from January 1st, 2011, I don’t know if I’d recognize him as being me. Hell, I don’t really think I’d like him. We’re completely different people. And that’s a good thing. We all have to grow up. But growing up doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t suddenly wake up on your 18th birthday and find that you’re an adult. Growing up is a gradual process that takes place over many years. And I’ve definitely grown up over the years, but I think 2011 has brought the most noticeable changes of all. 

Part of that growing up is due to me maturing— I have to take some credit for myself, as much as I hate to. Even if it wasn’t all conscious, I am the one who did the growing up. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have anyone to thank but myself. That’s just not true. I have a lot of people to thank— people who have done a lot to shape me into the person I am right now and the adult I am (sometimes I think slowly) becoming. So I would like to thank the following people:

Mom and Dad Seriously, I don’t know how you guys put up with my shit. I hope you guys know how much I love you and how grateful I am that you are my parents. You’ve done a terrific job raising me. I couldn’t ask for better family. 

My brother Thanks for all your advice, music, smiles, angry glares, eye rolls, and, most of all, thanks for being you. I know I haven’t always been the best brother in the world, but I’m pretty damn sure that you have.

Atmosphere Thank you for the music. You’ve helped me out a lot.

Philip Bernstein Thanks for the loaner phone, thanks for the laughs, the thanks for the patience, thanks for getting me to see On The Verge, and most of all, thanks for being a good friend. Keep on kicking ass.

Emily Caffrey You’re a testament to the power of the internet— you’re one of the coolest people I’ve met in years, and my first interaction with you was in 140 characters. Thanks for all the good discussions, thanks for giving me some perspective on life as a whole, and thanks for being the best people I know. Keep on being you. 

Ashley Esqueda You’ve given me some great advice and helped me out quite a bit lately, and I really appreciate that. You’re a great person to talk to. Thanks for tolerating my quirkiness. I’m proud to call you my internet fairy godmother ;)

Eva Giselle Thanks for letting me use your magnificent painting for this post. Keep up the awesome work. 

Bert Freedman You lived a great life, and you lived it to the absolute fullest. You’re a true inspiration, and even after death I see plenty of things I can still learn from you. Thanks for all the lessons and good times. Rest in peace, grandpa.

Steve Jobs Though I never got to me you, you’ve influenced me in more than I can possibly write down. Thanks for teaching me that it’s okay to Think Different— that was more than just an advertisement, it was poetry. Thanks for changing the world, and especially thanks for changing my world, too. Stay hungry, stay foolish.

Regina L. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I met you. You’ve introduced me to some great books, great music, and great ideas. I’ve had some of the best conversations of my life through a computer screen with you. You’ve given me untold amounts of advice, and have really helped me out a lot. Hell, you’re one of the only people I showed this post to before I published it. Why? Because, in addition to being an amazing friend, you’re a damn good writer, and you always have good advice with that too. You’re a good person, please remember that. Thanks for everything. 

Sam Man, you’ve really grown up over the years, but this year was especially noticeable. You’re a great person. Thanks for being a good friend.

Gabrielle Thanks for all your honesty and understanding, and thanks for just being the fun person you are. You’re a blast.

Amanda Thanks for being so constantly upbeat and just radiating happiness. It really brightens up my day. Thanks for all the hugs, ukulele songs, fun conversations, and more hugs. 

Mike Olsen Dude, you’ve gone through more shit this year than I have in my entire life, and you’re still sane. That alone is an accomplishment. Thanks for being a really good friend. Keep on keepin’ on.

Avery Penn Thanks for all the crude, funny, GIF-filled chats. It was time well spent. You’re one of the most fun people on the interwebs.  Keep on kicking ass, taking names, and writing about games.

Tony Robinson working with you at MobileUnwrapped was a real pleasure. Thanks for giving a 16-year-old kid a chance. Good luck with TFX; it’s looking good already.

Kitty You’ve taught me more than you’ll ever realize. You made freshman year bearable for me pretty much single-handedly. You made me feel accepted and appreciated for who I was for the first time in a very long while. You taught me to a better in theater tech, a better student, and a better person overall. I hope that one day I can see you again— so one of us needs to visit the other’s school sometime! Thanks for all the lessons you’ve taught me, the thought provoking debates, intriguing discussions, and, of course, the adorable basset hound pictures.

Clover Thanks for all the advice you gave to me when I really needed it. You really care about people, which, sadly, is a rare trait. Please hold on to that— don’t ever change who you are. Thanks for being there for me.

The Rec Room Corner Thanks for making me a better person to be around, and thanks for being the best people on campus and some of the best in the world. Corner Christmas was one of the best days I’ve had all year. I fucking love you guys. 

Clifton Thomas Thanks for all the thought provoking discussions on Twitter, on the phone, and everywhere else. We really do think alike and have a lot in common, and I hope that one day I’ll be able to meet you in person. You’re a good friend. Thanks for being there, man.

The Twitterverse This goes out to the small geek crowd I’m a part of and the awesome folks who follow me. I love every last one of you. I couldn’t ask for a better group to communicate with in 140 character bursts. 

Unnamed Palm Employee Thanks for sending so many phones my way.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Obviously I have many things I hope that I’ll achieve in 2012, and I think I can achieve those goals, but in the end I have no idea what’s going to happen. But I do know this: I am going to come out of it a completely different person, the same way I came out of 2011. I don’t know what will change exactly, but many things will. Here’s to 2012, a year of promise, hope, and, of course, change. I know it’ll be a good one.

  • 1 year ago
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A Long Overdue Note of Thanks

This post isn’t about my thoughts about my grandfather, who, as some of you may know, recently passed away. That post is coming later. No, this post is a lot simpler— it’s a post about giving thanks. Thanks to two people in particular, who have both helped me a lot when my head was spinning from my grandfather’s death.

I first learned about my grandpa’s death from my dad when picked me up from school on November 30th, at about 6 PM. I stopped for dinner myself at a pizza place I frequent in Lambertville, NJ for a bit to eat and mull everything over. And believe me, that was helpful- just having some time to think, alone, in a semi-quiet place, was very valuable. I gained a lot from that, which I will talk about in another post. But let’s face it, that will only get one so far— sometimes, you just need to talk to someone else. So when I got home, I talked to two people at two different times who helped me immensely during this difficult time. Here are those two people, in alphabetical order:

Ashley Esqueda:

If you don’t know Ashley, she’s a self-described “semi-notable nobody,” though I think that description gives her far too little credit. She’s the host of Mobile Nations Monday Brief, co-host of Techfoolery, co-host Girls Gone Gadgets, a video-blogger for Tecca, a writer/reviewer for G4, and probably some other things I’ve forgotten. But the point isn’t her work- though it is awesome, and you should check it out— the point is that she is a really, really good person.

At around 7 PM, I pinged Ashley on iChat. I’m not going to paste in the transcript of the entire chat- not without asking her, at least- but I don’t need to. There’s no need for everyone to see every word exchanged— that’s just tedious to read. What I will tell you is that I told Ashley what happened, and she helped talk me through it. I told her all about the whole thing- the circumstances of my grandfather’s death, my regrets, my thoughts, etc. She told me about her experience with a family member’s death- her grandfather. She gave me lots of great advice, and she just listened to what I had to see. She helped me through this a lot, and I really can’t say enough about how awesome of her it was to do this for me. I’ve never even met her- I’m just some kid who’s a fan of Techfoolery and her other work and who she (god only knows why :P) gave her iChat name to. And yet she helped me through this so well. She didn’t have to do any of this. Hell, she could have easily said that she had to get back to writing a review— it would have been true. She did eventually have to. But she put it off and took time out of her night to help talk me through this for a very long time. And even after that first night I’ve talked to her about it a few other times. She’s always helpful and great to talk to. And I’m very thankful for that.

So Ashley Esqueda, you’re not only my internet fairy godmother, you’re a truly great person. You have my most sincere thanks for everything you’ve done and continue to do  :)

Regina (Scarlet):

If you don’t already follow Regina on Twitter, you should. You should also check out her blog, too. And, like Ashley, she is a really awesome person.

There’s no need to rehash all the stuff that I said before about how I found out and how I mulled things over while munching on pizza and garlic bread. You already know that stuff now. The point is how Regina was involved here. So let me get to that:

I have a habit of pining Regina on gtalk late at night to talk about something or other— partly because she’s one of the few people who is as much of an insomniac as I am, but also because she’s a really great person to talk to and is always willing to listen and give great advice. So naturally, I talked to Regina about this. And, like I did with Ashley’s conversation, I’m not going to paste the whole thing in for the same reasons. But I will tell you this: she was great to talk to. Like Ashley, I told her about everything- the circumstances of my grandfather’s death, my regrets, my thoughts, etc. And Regina did what she always does- she helped me.

Regina is always there for me. Even when it inconveniences her, she’s always willing to help out a friend. We’ve talked about this several times now, and each time I learn something new- gain some new perspective, her advice, her thoughts, etc. It’s always valuable. Time spent talking with her is never time wasted, it’s as simple as that. 

So Regina, thank you for always being there for me. You’re a true friend- you talk, you ask follow up questions, you engage, you think, you challenge, you listen. I couldn’t ask for a better friend to talk to. You have my most sincere thanks for everything you’ve done and continue to do :) 

So, to both Ashley and Regina- thank you both for everything you’ve done. You’ve both done a lot for me, and I can’t thank you enough for it :)

  • 1 year ago
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Something I Wrote After The Death of Steve Jobs

Here’s the beginnings of a post I wrote in the immediate aftermath of Steve Jobs’ death. I’ve tried and tried to finish this, but I was in a completely different state of mind when I wrote this, and getting back into it is impossible. So rather than just let this post gather (figurative) dust on my computer, I’ve decided to publish what was written, as is. Keep in mind that I have done very little editing, and this was incomplete even when I wrote it. It’s not even that good, but i feel like I have to get it out there. 


On Wednesday, I cried for the first time in years. At least it feels like years. I did not know the man personally, I never even had the privilege to meet him. And yet his death was earth shattering to me. It felt like the world would never be the same. 

Really, it’s hard to put my feelings into words. Even now that one day has passed and I am more coherent, I still feel different. Something inside of me changed when I found out that one of my few idols died. Something big.

I realized that I am going to die someday.

As I’ve said already, this is a man I’ve never met, never talked to over the phone, never had any correspondence to him whatsoever. And yet I cried when I hear about his death. So why do I care so much? Two reasons.

The first is the obvious one- he was an inspiration, and he and his company got me into tech. If my parents hadn’t bought an iMac G5 sometime in 2004 or 2005, I likely would never have become the tech-head I am today.

Obviously, I knew that I was going to die someday. Everybody is conscious of the fact that like any great story, life has to end eventually. But the magnitude of it hadn’t hit me until now. I’ve had to look at my life and the way it’s going, and I’ve decided it’s time to make some changes.

I will close with a quote from Steve Jobs’ stanford commencement speech:

“Death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you. But someday, not too long from now, you will gradually become the old, and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it’s quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”


Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

  • 1 year ago
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Fear and Comprehension

Fear is one of the most powerful things in this world. It can motivate people to lie, cheat, steal, murder, and so much more. Fear has more potential to make you do things you would never normally do than any drug in this world do. It can shake you to your very core. 

Fear can come from many different places and things. Fear can come from the knowledge that you have just done something stupid. Fear can come from the idea of rejection. Fear can come from knowing that you’re in danger. Fear can come from knowing that you are powerless.

But one of the worst types of fears in this world is fearing for the people you care about. I am one of the luckiest people I know— I have it easy. I’ve gone to private schools my whole life, I have never had a relative I know die in my lifetime, with the exception of my great grandmother when I was 7, who, frankly, was insane and I was not even remotely close to. I’ve had 2 dogs die, but one of them was when I was so young that I barely remember it. I was a bit older when our other dog, Nikki, died. I watched her die of cancer and go through treatment for over a year. She was the best dog I’ve ever had— I cannot say enough about how amazing she was. But I wasn’t even a teenager. I was, for all intents and purposes, a semiconscious being. Yes, I saw what was happening, but I don’t think I comprehended the situation fully. 

But now I am a teenager. I’m 16 years old. Though in a few years I’m sure I’ll look back and say otherwise, I like to think that I’ve evolved past the “semiconscious” state of my life. I like to think I can comprehend what’s going on around me. Yes, there are obviously things I just cannot understand yet, like true love or the responsibility of being a parent, but most things in life aren’t beyond me.

This is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it gives me the ability to understand the world around me better than ever before. It lets me think. But sometimes, there are things I almost wish I wasn’t able to comprehend.  My friend Juan is serving in Afghanistan. He’s been serving for a few months now, and has less than 9 left if I recall correctly. Years ago, I would have taken in this information and done nothing with it, but today I do much more— I think about the implications of him being in Afghanistan. I think about the consequences, the things that could go wrong. I worry. I worry a lot. I worry if he’s going to get injured, or worse, killed. Really, I’d be naive not to worry. 

Would it be a lot easier to just not worry? Yes, it would be. But I can’t do that. I’m beyond that now. I just have to accept the fact that I cannot retreat to that place where there are no such things as responsibilities or consequences, no matter how much I want to. This is where I am now, and I will never be the same.

Such are the consequences of growing up.

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  • 1 year ago
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Reflections on September 11th

It’s hard to reflect on an event you don’t even remember. 

Sometimes, as much as I prefer that this not happen, my age defines what I can and cannot comprehend. And that is not in reference to maturity. I’m talking about the fact that my age simply means I’ve missed a lot of defining moments in American history. The assassination of John F. Kennedy. The Oklahoma City bombing. Pearl Harbor. The Columbine Massacre. These are events that have shaped people and American history as a whole. But obviously, being sixteen years old means I wasn’t even alive to process to remember them.

These events all have something in common. And I don’t just mean that they were tragic— that’s obvious. There’s something bigger in common. And that is that people who grew up during these events remember exactly where they were when they found out that these things happened. My mother told me she remembers where she was when she found out that RFK had been shot. At that time, she was 10. I’m sure my grandfather remembers where he was when he found out that Pearl Harbor had been attacked. When you pause to think about it, it’s really remarkable that these individual events have defined so many people’s outlooks on life and who they are as people. It speaks to the magnitude of these events that they have had such a profound impact on so many individuals and society as a whole.

But I was alive for September 11— I was 6 years old when the attacks happened. It was a Tuesday, so I must have been in school at the time. But I don’t remember a damn thing. Literally, I remember nothing. It’s not even a distant memory— it’s just not there. It’s something I can only imagine, and my imagination no doubt does not do it justice. That’s why it’s so odd for me to reflect on 9/11. I can only reflect on it in the abstract. The event itself was not part of my life experience— I don’t remember pre-9/11 America. Post 9/11 America is the only America I know. It’s the America I’ve grown up with. Seeing people descended into paranoia at the thought of someone hijacking the plane they are boarding is not a foreign concept to me, it’s just the world I’ve always lived in. In a way, I am glad don’t remember 9/11. Odds are my 6-year-old brain would never have been able to comprehend the situation. Again, America affected by 9/11 is all I’ve ever known— that is the extent to which 9/11 has impacted me. 

Make no mistake, my heart goes out to those who had loved ones die on that day. Whether it was that they were on the plane, in one of the towers, the pentagon, it was an incredible tragedy. Children whose father or mother didn’t come home that day will never be the same. It’s part of their life, part of who they are.  As I’ve said, America will never be the same. But to me, it will always be an abstract thing that I can only attempt to imagine. 

  • 1 year ago
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Daring Fireball: The New Apple Advantage

This is one of those articles I just have to link to. Anyone interested in Apple in any way should read this. Go. Now. Stop wasting time on my blog and read Gruber’s article.

  • 1 year ago
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Technology fan, miscreant, daydreamer, plaid nugget, music lover, liberal, atheist, and a generally decent guy. Trying to figure everything out… slowly.
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© Sam Beckett ● Please don't steal my stuff. Seriously, I am warning you. If you do, I will come to your house and kill you with my bare hands. Thank you.

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